Christmas is a WEEK AWAY so it's time to fill your brain with mushy holiday movies.
Ever noticed how all of the good Christmas movies disappear from Netflix the SECOND the clock ticks to December 1st? It's all a giant scheme to get you to watch the terrible made-for-tv movies about Christmas you never knew you needed in your life. So this week, I've been watching ALL of them so you don't have to.
Netflix decided to flex their production budget this year and try their hand at making the next holiday classic. Ever wondered what mashing up Princess Diaries 2 and Never Been Kissed would look like, while simultaneously throwing the whole thing into a lump of snow and sparkle lights? That's A Christmas Prince. This movie has everything: Confusing establishing shots, an undercover reporter, a quirky girl who refuses to wear real shoes - even to a ball. Romance! Betrayal! Wolves! No, seriously. There are wolves.
If you're looking for cheesy romantic comedy goodness that just *happens* to be packaged in a Christmas bow, A Christmas Prince is bound to delight and awe. It's both awful and wonderful and if there's not A Christmas Prince 2: The Christmas Princess by next season I will burn down Netflix.
A vaguely attractive radio shock jock named "Pepper" for some reason gets suspended from his high-profile (and SIX FIGURE, as he reminds us many times) morning show and is reassigned to a small advice show in Colorado while he waits out his suspension. Haylie Duff plays the over-qualified morning host whose show is being taken over, and immediately clashes with Pepper (surprise surprise).
At one point they go to LA together and Pepper's house is like, enormous. It makes no sense. There's no way some morning show jockey in LA makes enough for this giant house - also in LA - and a house manager. Not buying it, six figures. The unlikely pair falls in love obviously and Pepper makes a remarkable amount of personal progress in the week and a half he spends in the woods or whatever. This was terrible but if you've had some wine, go for it!
Oh man, just when you thought it couldn't get worse, it DOES. Kate is an attorney who has to choose between her career and falling in love with a ghost. A *hot* ghost, obviously.
I'm sorry, I wish I were kidding.
Kate leaves Boston for Vermont, where she must get a "haunted inn" appraised for sale after the owner dies and leaves it to no one. Unfortunately for her, appraisers keep running out refusing to give an appraisal because of the ghost. She stays the night, meets the ghost, and discovers his terrible secret. Daniel the Ghost returns to Holly-whatever Inn for 12 days every Christmas to mope around the house and slam doors or whatever ghosts do. Kate, of course, decides to ignore her job and help him figure out why he's been cursed, falls in love, etc etc.
Daniel the Ghost does make a great cocktail, apparently, and has a very lovely hipster haircut. Honestly, I wish I'd had one of those cocktails for this movie but he was attractive enough that this wasn't as painful as it could have been.
Except for his dead girlfriend, who looked more like a Karen from Mean Girls knock-off than she did a lady of the prohibition. Oh yeah, did I mention Ghost Daniel died because he was a bootlegger? This was the gift that kept on giving.
I actually started watching this and realized that I've already seen it. One of Ted Mosby's old girlfriends stars in this Christmas classic where she takes a temp job in the toy department at an NYC department store. Ashanti shows up as a marketing genius to save the store by getting rid of everything wonderful, including Santa. The two fight over Tom, a man who has never seen a woman before and falls in love with Wendy over a rousing round of "The First Noel."
Having worked in retail, I have questions. How did Wendy make $1000 in a week at like, $7 an hour? Why do they leave the money in the cash wrap instead of putting it in the safe? Why are there no security cameras that catch Teanna stealing the money instead of Wendy? WOULDN'T FIVE SHIRTLESS MODELS COST MORE THAN ONE SANTA???
The BEST part of this movie is when Wendy is more offended that Tom signed off on firing Santa than anything else that happened around her. It's magnificent, 10 out of 10. Oh, and Wendy, you don't have to wear heels while you decorate the store.
Talk about saving the best for last. If you have Mystery Science Theater 3000 tendencies and love to commentate over the ridiculousness of a movie, this one is for you. Ellen Langford is a spoiled "Party Heiress" who's poised to inherit her daddy's millions if she can survive a weekend in Nowhere-ville, Snow Land. He takes all of her credit cards and puts her on a bus with a set of luggage that looked more Marshall's than Paris Hilton, but sure, we'll stretch that. Ellen becomes "Ellie London" to hide her identity from everyone in town so she can be treated like a normal person and manages to not get lost in a snow storm. Honestly, after the wolf debacle in A Christmas Prince I was shocked too.
If you need any more convincing to watch this movie, just know that the male love interest is Pete from The Office. I could actually go on and on about this one but I wouldn't want to spoil any major plot points like that time Pete from The Office gets caught drawing reindeer and covers his work like it was Rose on the Titanic.
As I sit here finishing this post, I'm watching another holiday trash movie called A Holiday Engagement and I feeeeeeeel like I already saw this one when it was called Borrowed Hearts. Or Picture Perfect. Or Can't Buy Me Love. IN FACT...there's an entire list of "pretend relationship" movies on IMDB if you'd like to check that out.
Lemme know which holiday fluff I should stream next!!